R E C O L L E C T I O N
by TheLadyTsubasax
Summary: It was a separation that couldn't start. A separation that would not be accepted by him. (Epilogue of Betrayal)
1. Our past we shared

RECOLLECTION

_A separation that couldn't start_

|SxS|

WARNING! IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE FIRST INSTALMENT BETRAYAL DO NOT READ THIS STORY! THIS STORY IS THE EPILOGUE/THE STORY THAT FOLLOWS ON FROM THE PREVIOUS STORY. GO BACK AND READ IT! Thank you.

|Author Note|

It's been a while has it not? I'm sorry for not updating my other fanfictions and I know I always say I will update it in a month or so but I'm not very good at keeping promises nor am I very good at imagination. I'm always stuck on a writer's block and I find it, personally to get out of it! Which are is a downside. However, another bad point is that my old laptop crashed and so the final chapter for Reunion that I was writing was wiped clean...oh joy. I also previously had my GCSE exams and I'm pleased to say that I have now from this day forth completely finished my GCSE and exams! Now I'm moving onto A levels! Ahh! So, I've had a decent amount of people message me and review on Betrayal that they wished for Syaoran to receive his own medicine. I'd like to say I have done so in this fanfiction! In a way I suppose this is an epilogue of my previous story Betrayal. It's not great I think, but I hope you will all enjoy it; furthermore, having more free time now I hope to start my other fanfictions soon but I always seem to find it hard to write down how I feel or how I want the scene to be portrayed. Has anyone else got the same problem? Before I forget for this song I encourage you guys to listen to:

**Hymn of the missing : Red**

**Lost in paradise : Evanescence**

**Top Emotional osts of all times: Krone ***

**Ayako Ikeda : Sora no Karera **

**Tenmon : Distant everyday memories ***

**(The songs with a '*' are the songs I recommend the most!)**

Anyway, till next time!

|Summary|

It was a separation that couldn't start. A separation that would not be accepted by _him_. (Epilogue of Betrayal)

|Disclaimer|

I do not own any of the characters or the anime. All rights are reserved and belong to CLAMP.

* * *

Chapter 1: Our past we shared

It was a separation that couldn't start. A separation that would not be accepted by _him_.

So hollow, so lifeless...

_tick tock tick tock_

He sat on the bottom step of the marble staircase in _their_ mansion, the very stairs he saw his deceased wife run up only to seal herself behind _their_ bedroom door with a fatal_ click _six months ago, who knew that hesitating for one second could decide between the thin thread of life and death?

_'So, this is what it feels like to be left behind. To be forgotten.'_

Life was a thin piece of golden thread, death was the pungent, malicious shear that would slice the _so _ever thin piece of thread with lethal precision, the very article that slaughtered and stole lives_ every_ day, _every_ minute; _every_ second. Every breath you would take and a soul had been ripped from an individual's body.

_'To hell with my pride, let it fall and crumble. Let it fall, fall like rain.'_

He felt weak and distant, his body slouched heavily forward into a 's' position; his eyes tightly shut. Face painted with a heavy façade grief, regret, pain and disbelief. Frown lines were embedded deeply into his forehead, dark circles heavily stained under his eyes. His hands were either side of his head cradling it, elbows propped on his knees; bangs of his hair shielded his eyes, hiding his current sentiment.

He had been sitting there dazed, in the same pose for the past nine hours without moving an inch from his designated spot, even when the first streams light of dawn shone to the first cry of the crickets singing dusk's arrival from the garden outside. But no. He would _just_ sit there like a puppet like any other day not even bothering to eat. Not bothering to speak. Not bothering to drink. Was this an idea of punishing himself for the wrong he had committed? No one knew.

He had remained mute since her death.

The only response from him that would assure a_ living_ person that he lived would be the occasional blink, but even _that_ was a rare sight to see.

The family's doctor would visit him regularly. He was now a permanently scheduled client in the family's doctor's schedule. They would go into the library which would act as a temporary consulting room and the doctor who ask Syaoran questions, so far, the efforts made to make the broken man speak had all failed. He just wouldn't speak.

Memories of his wife's last few moments replayed in his mind over and over again since her death, even when he was wide awake it haunted him; as he slept it conquered his mind with nightmares preventing him from a serene slumber. He would toss and turn throughout the entire night, cold sweat basking his traumatized body. He no longer had the determination to fight any longer, a will to wish to live. Disgust throttled him whenever he glanced at his reflection.

The thought of the fulfilment of life slipped into his thoughts.

What life? Did he even have one in the first place? Did he even deserve to live? To breathe the same air as others did despite the sins he had committed? To be the one to be _still_ living instead of his wife?

The vibrant amber colour in his eyes that caught the attention of many women in his life time had faded over time, the twinkle in his eyes was replaced by lifeless, monotonous eyes. Dull and blank. Hollow like a void. If you were to look into his eyes, you would just only see a reflection of yourself and nothing more.

|SxS|

_2 weeks after the death_

_15th January 2012_

Syaoran's eyes were wide, focused on the ceiling as they had for the past hour, his face washed of any trace of emotion, just the resonance of his soft breathing and the movement of his chest moving up and down, up and down.

_'Open the door, Sakura!'_

His fists clawed the bed sheets into his first, wrinkling the material.

_BANG BANG BANG_

_'I said open the fucking door dammit!'_

Jaws clenched, teeth grinded harshly against one another.

_BANG BANG BANG_

_'Sakura! Sakura!'_

Tears brimmed in his eyes. Raising his arm to shield his eyes, he bit his lip. He would not scream. He would not.

_'__Please, Sakura wait for me!'_

After all he did one would naturally wonder why he ludicrously assumed that death would give an exception for his circumstance?

_'Syaoran!'_

The sound of the gun's hammer being cocked by _her_ hands echoed in his mind. The sight of her hands shaking holding the gun her grasp...His blood roared and screamed in his ears, his pulse pumped, racing at a inhuman rate.

Syaoran sat up immediately clamping his hands over his ears trying desperately to block out the noise, but failed to do so. He shook his head. Harder. Faster.

Did he think that he could get away with everything he did?

_'And take this piece of junk! It means nothing to me any longer!'_

Get whatever he wanted?

_'Don't you __fucking __touch me, you damn bastard!'_

Did he think he was supreme? That _everything_ and _everyone_ would bow down to his will?

_'Don't touch me! You make me feel dirty like one of those whores you slept with!'_

Of course not.

_'I hate you...'_

|SxS|

The haunting sound of _the_ gun shot entered his mind.

With that gunshot she broke a barrier that controlled her, she was free from his claws; free from the cage that she sat in silence.

And even _he_ himself now understood that, for his _dear_ wife did just that. But it was too late, he was too slow and as a result compensated the consequences for his selfish acts. The bitter wind that hissed through the open French doors from the parlour awoke him from his trance, the curtains danced upon the light breeze as it breathed into the empty mansion. The faint sound of the television murmured in the background that one of the security guards must of been watching he assumed for a fleeting moment, it's neon glow barely illuminating the grand room. He combed his hand into his messy locks once again and fisted his hair; not caring if it caused pain or bled. After all, it would be an improvement, wouldn't it? He would be feeling emotion you see, _he_ was a cold man, a 'cheating bastard'.

He didn't accept reality any longer since _that_ day. He_ didn't _want to, he _wouldn't_.

_'Didn't your conscience ever scream out to you that what you were doing was wrong? Did you ever __think __to consider my feelings!__ '_

Death had never showed any mercy, why should it?

_This is different..._

Why should it not show mercy to anyone but him?

_Because I am Li Syaoran._

Was there something special about him?

_No._

Death wasted no time nor loaned it's sympathy to the current state of affairs that would incur at the moment that death would steal a life, however, others would argue that death would be saving a life, like a certain wife of the CEO of Li corporations for example.

|SxS|

_Li Corporation Gala_

_14th December 8:40 pm 2009_

_A Bentley pulled up to the grand entrance of the Li manor, the chauffeur efficiently got out of the front and opened the passenger's door. A tall, handsome man with ruffled brown hair slid out with ease, wearing a black dinner suit with a bow tie. He turned back towards the vehicle and offered his hand, a few moments later a slim hand grasped Syaoran's hand and stepped out the luxurious vehicle to reveal her elegant winter, white gown that hung onto her body perfectly, with a gentle pull he assisted the beautiful woman out of the car. A smile gracing his lips. The beauty had auburn hair and emerald eyes that glowed with content, the handsome man leaned in and whispered into her ears words only for him and her to hear earning a blush from the woman, he secured an arm around her waist and lead her up the stairs only to be stopped by a large number of people congratulating him on his success._

_"Congrats my boy! You've done a splendid job with the corporation this year, a fine job indeed! My congrats to you and your beautiful wife tonight!"_

_"Thank you __Kijimuta san, my wife and I thank you for your congenial praise." Syaoran bowed slightly in respect to the senior._

_Kijimuta nodded swirling the golden champagne in the glass flute, "You're very welcome. Indeed my boy, and may I just say your wife is looking more beautiful every time I see her. It seems she's catching the attention of many men tonight, poor chaps. She's a beautiful creature your wife my boy! A rare beauty held by only a handful of women in this century."_

_Syaoran smiled softly, "Ah, that she is. I'm truly blessed that she's by my side in life; it still bewilders me that she agreed to wed me after the appalling proposal I did for her." he joked winking at his wife, causing her to blush even more averting her gaze to the floor._

_Kijimuta threw his head back and laughed, Sakura smiled softly; the Cartier, diamond necklace around her neck glimmered against the luminosity that reflected from the extravagant arrangement of lights entwined within the shrubbery._

_"Apologies Kijimuta san, but I'm afraid we-"_

_"You needn't to apologize my boy! My apologies for holding you and your wife back from this remarkable evening, we'll talk another time I'm sure. I hope you have a pleasant evening" He smiled, and with that he re-entered the Gala through the French doors behind him._

_A few moments later Sakura and Syaoran entered resulting a number of heads to turn to see the host of the Gala, but to also witness the beauty of his wife in her gown which flowed behind her like a waterfall on the staircase covered with a red carpet, she looked like a goddess which her innocent features sustained spectacularly. _

_A round of applause followed immediately after their arrival, Sakura un-entwined her arm from her husband's and stepped back to allow the crowd to see the successful CEO; she too clapped, a smile beaming on her face. Syaoran mouthed a 'thank you' to the crowd and turned to his wife, he made a gesture with his hand urging Sakura forward. She complied with a smile._

_"I'm so proud of you" She whispered breathlessly._

_Syaoran smiled softly, taking her hand into his, he lifted her hand to his lips pressing a sweet kiss to her wedding ring. The crowed awed at his sweet affection towards his wife, Sakura blushed at the attention murmuring that people were watching and that they should stop. The CEO chuckled and released her hand and offered his elbow instead._

_"Shall we?"_

_With a gentle smile she nodded and rested her hand upon his extended arm._

_As they descended the bottom of the stairs the crowd swarmed in like sharks, Syaoran thanked each person for their humble comments and their contribution to the corporation wishing them an eventful evening. Syaoran pulled Sakura through the crowds, she noticed his eyes were searching through the seas of face with an intent gaze. His eyes, dark and __**unfaithful**__._

_Sakura lightly tugged the sleeve of his suit but failed to receive a response, so she called his name, "Syaoran?"_

_But no response, he didn't seem to hear her. What exactly was he doing? Who exactly was he looking for?_

_"Syaoran" She repeated once again but louder only to be answered by a short distant 'hm?'._

_"What are you doing? W-What are you looking for?" Sakura asked curiously tilting her head in his direction hoping to see what Syaoran was exactly trying to see, standing on her tiptoes now and then in attempt to reach his height. Sakura caught a glint in his eyes with a lick of his lips, he turned his attention fluently to Sakura._

"_Sakura, I'll be right back, I just have to speak to an important client of mine alright?" _

"_Sure, that's fine" Sakura smiled despite a part of her screamed to hold onto him._

_Syaoran leaned in and pressed his lips against hers for a brief moment before pulling away from her grasp and weaving through the crowd, getting further and further from Sakura; losing Sakura's eyesight and now lost in the sea of people at the Gala ball. Syaoran moved quick and fast towards the creature in red who had caught his eye since he had entered the ball, he wanted her, and he would get very that._

_Syaoran threw a look over his shoulder making sure Sakura had lost sight of him, a dark smirk grew on his face in satisfaction seeing that she was surrounded by a group of women and men...and distracted._

_'perfect'_

_Adrenaline pumped through his veins with each stride he took, he was so close! So near to the want he needed that she couldn't give him, the thing that he craved for, yearned for, desired for, longed for was just a few steps away! The risk of getting caught pressed him further to do this corrupt act. He approached the platinum blonde in the red Chanel dress from behind, his eyes sinfully peeled away her dress, the deep hunger within him growing more and more the longer he thought about it, he needed to act. _

_It burned, it ached. Something...someone needed to put out the fire that continued to eat himself away._

_He needed to do it now._

_ .Now._

_Syaoran praised kami (1)that she was near the less occupied area of the Gala. He recognised that she was an heiress, __Yamada Aoi.__ The daughter of __Yamada Akiro. The CEO of Yamada the world's most famous and lavish hotel, in fact he had often stayed in his hotels during his business trips. It had said on the website that the staff were all professionally trained, if that meant paying them a tip now and again to not mention a word whilst bringing a certain lady back into his room also applied to that rule- he didn't see anything at in particular to disagree on with that account. _

_In one swift moment he smoothly wrapped an arm around her waist from behind as he did earlier to his-...who was it again? Ah, that's right. His wife. _

_And whispered into her ear, his lips brushing softly against her earlobe "Now."_

_Aoi moaned quietly feeling Syaoran's wet tongue lick and suck her earlobe, she arched her neck back encouragingly, a chill rush up her spine and settling between her legs._

_**'Got her'.**_

_Amber eyes clouded with a sinful ache, a lust that would not die out so easily until a life would perish. A wicked smirk tugged the corner of his lips as he worked his way down the blonde's neck licking and nipping, reluctantly the unfaithful husband pulled away grabbing the dazed heiress by the hand roughly and lead her down the corridors which led to the guest rooms, he opened the first door he caught in sight and locked it behind him. He forced the blonde against the oak door and pinned her hands above her head, and slammed his lips against hers hungrily. Aoi's eyes glazed with arousal; her lips pursed and swollen from the intensity of the kiss. Losing impatience he forced his tongue into her mouth muffling her moans and groans, he drew her slim, suntanned leg around his waist and grounded her against his swollen member. Syaoran slipped a hand down to her thighs and pushed her dress so that they would bunch around her hips, skin and skin burned and grinded against one another._

_A sense of moral and conscience was discarded as quickly as the clothes were._

_A few moments later jewellery, under-garments and clothes were thrown on the floor followed by the sickening sound of heavy pants and moans from the intimacy._

|SxS|

_If death showed sympathy the word 'death' wouldn't even exist would it?_

He strained his ears to listen, hoping he could hear _her_.

_'Okaa san, what is death?' asked Syaoran at the age of seven as his father's coffin was lowered to the ground._

Syaoran tugged his hair, concentrating hard, sensing every inch of the house for a trace of life except his. Another _person_ except him, a _woman's_ presence that he craved for day and night, every living second.

He felt defeated. Defeated that death had beaten him. _'Doko...doko iru no...Sakura?' (2)_

Her laughter, her voice, the soft clatter that would echo down the hallways from the kitchen when she washed the serving dishes, the soft sound of her closing the cabinet the way she would always do, the tapping of her shoe's heel against the floor, the sound of her-

_I tried to walk together _

_But the night was growing dark_

But he couldn't hear a thing.

_Thought you were beside me__  
__But I reached and you were gone_

A black void began to swarm around Syaoran, closing in on him in a suffocating manner; drawing his remaining life source that he had, and continued to be unnoticed by Syaoran. The black void slithered closer towards the disheartened husband, it constricted it's body around him but he still remained oblivious. The desperation from this man for his life to be taken was overwhelming, and continued to grow larger, dominating the air with a heavy weight.

_Sometimes I hear you calling__  
__From some lost and distant shore__  
__I hear you crying softly for the way it was before__  
_

His heart thumped with fear at reality hitting him.

_Where are you now?__  
__Are you lost?__  
_

_tick tock tick tock_

_Will I find you again?__  
__Are you alone?_

The grandfather's clock chimed, he looked over to his side. It was seven in the evening, had time always gone by so quickly? Since her death, his colleagues at work had even remarked on his features looking so worn out, _so_ old. Could he blame himself? He never slept for heaven's sake.

_Are you afraid?__  
__Are you searching for me?_

Could grief really cause so damage to a man like him? To any human being?

_Why did you go? I had to stay__  
__Now I'm reaching for you..._

He scoffed at himself. He wasn't human. What was he thinking?

|SxS|

_7:00PM 12th __December 2009_

_As Syaoran was logging off from his laptop getting ready to leave the office his intercom flashed, it was the secretary's line._

_He pressed the button and continued to pack away._

_"Li Syaoran," he barked continuing to place the important documents safely away in his suitcase._

_"Li sama, there's a woman that asks for your presence. She refused to tell me her name or the reason why she wished to see you Li sama."_

_"Oh, hurry up already! I want to see him! I can get you fired for your poor lack of service to me you know!" screeched a voice he knew so well. Syaoran licked his lips._

_It was __Kijimuta Aoi. His mistress and lover._

_"Let her in." Syaoran spoke into his intercom._

_"L-Li sama? Are you sure?" The baffled secretary asked with a hint of jealously._

_Syaoran chuckled._

_"I'm perfectly sure." he trailed walking to his office door to greet them._

_Both of the women's heads turned to see the handsome CEO leaning against the door frame as he opened the door, "Come in Aoi, apologies for the wait."_

_Aoi shot a 'told you' look to the secretary and strutted into Syaoran's office as if she owned the place, Syaoran murmured a few words to Amy into her ear quietly making sure the secretary didn't hear a word. Once that was solved he closed the door behind himself to give his secretary and him some privacy, he approached the desk where his secretary was designated and gave a million dollar smile that charmed all of the female population._

_"I sincerely apologise for her behaviour-" Syaoran's eyes trailed to the plaque that sat on her desk,"- Saitou san, take this as my apology" he spoke with a velvet tone, taking out his wallet from his pocket revealing a blank cheque._

_"This, is a blank cheque. Any amount you want, write it in, and I shall abide by faithfully."_

_Oh, how the word 'faithful' was so ironic to him! It could make him laugh._

_"Could I ask you a favour, Saitou san?"_

_"Y-yes! O-of course Li sama! Please, call me Michiko!"_

_He nodded. 'Got her.'_

_"If that pleases you, Michiko" he smiled testing the word as it rolled of his tongue in ease, Michiko's face burned a bright pink hearing his oh so husky, sexy voice say her name. Oh, what wonders he did to her two nights ago with that very tongue!_

_"Your name, it means beautiful and wise does it not?"_

_Michiko nodded, being too flustered by his striking features to speak a word._

_"It's truly beautiful, a fitting name for a woman as yourself," he complimented with a gentle gaze, "Could you keep a secret for me, Michiko?"_

_She nodded eagerly._

_He leaned forward, their faces inches apart. "Can you not mention a word of this to anyone? It'd be truly a 'hindrance' for me, Michiko. Could you be so kind as to not mention a word of this to anyone?" he whispered lowering his voice by an octave, placing his hand over hers indiscreetly._

_"Of course! I wouldn't tell a soul!" she almost yelled standing abruptly almost knocking the office chair, wanting his trust so that she could have another 'round' with him._

_Syaoran flashed her a satisfied handsome smirk, "Thank you," he thanked, "I'm truly grateful for your generosity. In gratitude, you needn't to stay here any longer for today, have a good evening Michiko." he started to stand up straight placing his hands into his trouser pockets coolly but paused abruptly, " Ah, and before I forget, could you send a message to my wife? Could you say:_

_'__ Hey Saks,_

_I'm going to be late coming home again, don't wait up for me. Make sure to lock up the doors, and have a good rest._

_I love you'."_

_Michiko's smile started to waver as she watched her boss pull away realizing he was heading back to that 'woman'. Jealously burned within her. He was hers! No one else's!_

_He casted a gaze over his shoulder and smirked, "I enjoyed two nights ago, we should do it again soon. Till next time, Michiko" he winked and closed the door behind him. He leaned against the door and exhaled, 'women' he tsked._

_"Syaoraaan" purred Aoi, amber eyes shot up to see Aoi perched on his desk nearly in the nude, she seductively beckoned him forward. In one movement he was right before her, he leaned in and placed his hands either side of her; trapping her. Which she liked._

_"Too much clothes," Aoi stated simply, curling her hands around his black tie tugging him closer; smashing her lips against his impatiently; undoing his shirt button whilst Syaoran shrugged of his expensive Armani suit that was left as a heap on the floor. _

_Aoi brushed her lips against Syaoran's, "Did you get rid of her?"_

_"Yes."_

_His hands trailed up her leg teasingly finding their way to her inner thigh, he rubbed and stroked her slowly in an achingly slow pace. Aoi bit her lip muffling a moan and encouragingly pushed her groin towards his hands wanting release, and Syaoran did just that._

|SxS|

He consciously fiddled with his wedding ring on his finger. He recollected the memories of the Gala a few years back when he kissed Sakura's hand, wooing the crowd in awe at his affectionate act and Sakura flushing at the attention...

His head jerked.

Had he _just_ noticed that all this time she was pushing herself into the background? Not wanting the attention at all but directing it at him? The way she stepped back when the crowd applauded for his success, she wanted the attention to be set on him. Not her. All that Sakura had wanted was to have the attention, love and care from her husband, she didn't mind not being the centre of attention, in fact she preferred to not be and more private. Her character was modest and humble, she stood by his side smiling and encouraging him whereas he wandered to other women and asked them to warm his bed which they would comply to without a doubt.

_'S-Syaoran! Stop! people are w-watching! A lot of people are watching!'_

His body began to tremble, his emotions ran hot. He prayed the dark would come and take him away as they did to his wife that day. He would not have to feel_ this_!

_How selfish_

A sudden thought entered his mind. Did he even have the right to call Sakura his wife any more after what he did?

_'Who was I to make you wait?_' he seethed inwardly at himself in shame. _'Forgive me, Sakura'_

_**'**__**How could you ask me to forgive you?**__**How many times can I? You have lost my trust over what I call lust...**__**You chose to hurt me it was a must...'**_

_'One more chance! That's all I ask, I'll change! I'll change for the better-for you!'_ he grovelled pitifully.

_**'No matter what I say, no matter what **__you __**say it'll always be the same.'**_

Syaoran couldn't catch his breath.

_**'You destroyed me! You killed me! Didn't you hear me scream? Didn't you see the pain in my eyes? Were you so selfish, so possessed by the greed of lust to not notice me falling behind? farther and farther, deeper and deeper."**_

Denials spilled from his mouth.

_**'That day-"**_her voice continued slicing his denials; not waiting for his pitiable excuses to cease, _**'**__**I looked into the eyes of a fraud**__**, a **__**face that held a look that I thought I knew so well. It was a look of disturbance yet**__**, **__**a look of calmness too. That day I was set free from the cage you had imprisoned me in, and I foolishly allowed you to lock me back in and throw away that key that held the key to my freedom."**_

"-You don't understand"

_**"You're right. I've never understood why a married man would sleep with another woman behind his wife's back, you killed me and you killed our child. You're a murderer!"**_

"I'm not" He murmured through his gritted teeth.

_**"Even now...you still continue to deny...to deny that what you did was wrong. All I asked was loyalty, to be loved. I gave up my family, my friends for you, I gave you my everything. They-everyone abandoned me, you were the only thing I had left. The only purpose for my existence...did I do something wrong? What did I ever do to make you do that, to do this to me..."**_

"Nothing, you did nothing Sakura" His hoarse voice croaked.

_**"Then why?"**_

Syaoran stood up shakily, body feeling rigid and stiff but shook it off and started to stride back and forth across the room and came to a halt.

Why **did** he do it?

He took in a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose closing his eyes momentarily for a few seconds and reopened them with a tired visage, with the lack of sleep over the past months he looked nearly twice as old of his actual age. His mind recalled the brawls they would have every time he returned home from a hard, tiring day of 'work'.

|SxS|

_Main Li manor_

_7th April 2010 7:25pm _

_She sat there with a blank face and lifeless eyes, sitting on a wooden chair that faced the drive, her eyes fixed on the gate; praying that they would open any second. Praying to see the familiar light from her husband's car headlights. _

_She was currently writing a poem to keep herself occupied, she held the fountain pen with a gentle grasp, her hand quivering every time she had to lift the pen off the paper._

_'__I am like a caged bird.__  
__Denied its freedom to fly.__  
__Imprisoned in a cage.__  
__Caged.__  
__I am like a bird with broken wings.__  
__Unable to soar.__  
__Forced to remain on the ground.__  
__Caged.__  
__I am a prisoner locked inside a cage.__  
__I yearn to fly.__  
__Yet I am held down.__  
__Caged.__  
__Tied down to this place.__  
__When all I want is to fly.__  
__Locked in this terrible cage.__  
__Caged.__  
__Will I ever get my chance to fly?__  
__Or will I remain a prisoner forevermore?__  
__Will someone set me__free__?__  
__Caged.__  
__You lock me up in a cage.__  
__Thinking that you are just trying to protect me.__  
__But I need to spread my wings.__  
__Caged.__  
__I know you have only good intentions.__  
__But I need to understand.__  
__You need to let me go.__  
__Caged.__'_

_She hesitantly placed her pen down and stood up unsure whether to leave her spot in perfect view of the drive in case her husband were to appear, after a few moments of debating she decided to get a pillow to make herself more comfortable, after all, she felt that tonight would be another long night as it would usually be. Sakura peeled her eyes from the window and walked to the cabinet; plucked out a pearl white pillow and sauntered quickly back towards the parlour._

_ .beep._

_The intercom on the wooden table winked a red light at her. Placing the pillow down she pressed the 'accept' button._

_"H-hello? Li residence" She spoke, feeling rather awkward as she spoke. Being alone for so long time made it feel alien like to her to know that she was talking to another individual, for her husband believed it was wrong for her to roam amongst the Li grounds. He had banned her. He had commanded her not to. He even had security patrol the grounds to make sure she did not abscond. Everywhere was heavily secured. Security cameras were installed around the manor, a team of guards were allocated at every gate around the manor that was the only access in and out. And why was this manor so heavily guarded? God knows._

_"Li sama, the master has arrived home" came the muffled reply of one of the many security men._

_Though she stood mute and withdrawn, her insides throbbed; she shook uncontrollably. A fluttering excitement grew._

_"N-now? He's home now?" Sakura stammered trying hard to contain her excitement and whirled her head to see the hand on the grandfather's clock had just reached twelve. _

_"Yes, Li sama. His car is on front of gate 3."_

_The sound of the security guard's radios started to get wild from the back gate's guards alerting the master's return to their fellow comrades. Guards flooded the courtyard, mixed with the maids. Her lungs constricted, blood racing._

_Questions ran through her mind violently._

_'Why would he be entering from the back gate? Why not the main gate? Why is everyone acting like this? Has something happened?"_

_"I-I see, t-thank you for notifying me" she thanked._

_"It's my job my lady."_

_click._

_Sakura drew her hand away from the intercom, a light frown found its way on her angelic feature. Forgetting about the pillow she ran to the west wing of the mansion not caring if the maids gave her an odd look about her disarranged hair and clothes, she panted heavily impatient opening every door that lead to the west wing where her husband was presumably stationed. __Her eyes felt numbed, but her soul burned. Burned to see her husband's face. His voice. With each passing corridor, she felt power propel through her limbs and her legs running, following the perplexing situation which continued to lure her. _

_She ran past a corridor occupied by a group of guards talking through radios, their comments echoed down the long corridors which reached Sakura's ear shot, "The master is moving into east wing as we speak."_

_'East? Did they just say east wing?'_

_Sakura came to an abrupt stop, leaning against the wall; taking a few moments to breathe._

_"But that's in the totally opposite direction! It would take ten minutes to reach him!" She murmured under her breath, frustrated at the colossal extent of the mansion._

_"Li sama? Daijobu?" one of the maids asked curiously in Sakura's native tongue, worry etched on her face._

_"S-Syaoran-" gasp, "Syaoran is home" she gasped again, "I need to reach...him!"_

_A handful of nosy maids poked their head around the corner to see what all the uproar was all about._

_"But Li sama, you're heading in the wrong direction"_

_"I only just found out that" she wheezed, coughing lightly due to her lack of eating over the past days; her clothes sunk in slightly._

_"But...Li sama...the master had arrived at the east wing all along. You must of been given the wrong information"_

_"All along? I was given the wrong information? Is there something I'm not allowed to see?"_

_The maid drew her eyes to the ground shamefully and bit her tongue, the maids noticing the unfolding events ran around the corner and drew the maid away and silenced her. The head maid bowed in respect, "Ignore her Li sama," spoke the eldest maid, "She talks about nonsense the girl, my apologies, it shan't happen again Li sama. Please, you needn't to worry about it."_

_"But-"_

_"Li sama!"_

_Sakura and the maids turned to the direction of the voice._

_"This way! Come this way! It'll be quicker to reach the master this way!"_

_Sakura's breath hitched, instinctively without fully analysing the information she ran towards the maid._

_"There's no time to wait Li sama! You must see it!"_

_"See?"_

_"Hurry, this way!" She urged hurriedly directing her through the halls, "Please keep up Li sama!"_

_A scream resonated from behind, it was the elder maid that Sakura had just conserved with only a few moments ago, Sakura cringed at her pitch. "Just what do you think you are doing! Enough with this nonsense! At once I say! At once!"_

_The maid ignored her senior's orders, determination burned in her eyes. "This way Li sama" she spoke firmly with a decisive voice, directing it at Sakura but her eyes burned into the senior's. Bewildered, the elder remained silent, her mouth agape. The maid took this as her opportunity and took Sakura by the hand and pulled her down the corridors that she knew from the back of her hand. Sakura's heart pumped and ached, trying hard to keep to the same pace as the maid's that was risking her job for her; they weaved through the corridors in the dark with only the natural nocturnal light from the moon through the windows that lit their way. It all seemed so foreign, so..._

_The maid came to an abrupt stop shattering Sakura's thought causing her to nearly bump into the maid, the maid released her grasp on Sakura's hand, "Through here." She rose her arm, pointing down a dark corridor making a gesture._

_Sakura gave her a confused look, the maid smiled softly. "The master-as we speak is entering the east wing, there is something you must see! Something you must know Li sama! You must not trust anyone in this household, they are his spies! You must not speak a word to them!"_

_"What's your name?"Sakura questioned, the faint sound of the guard's radios echoed down the hallway coming closer._

_"Daidouji Tomoyo"_

_"Tomoyo chan, arigatou gozaimasu"_

_Tomoyo smiled softly, but...it was a sad smile, it was soon replaced with the worried expression of being caught," Go! You must go now Li sama or you won't make it!" She gave a light push to Sakura's back, urging her down the corridor. Without looking back, Sakura nodded and ran down the corridor, a warm, orange light glowed at the end of the passage. Muffled male voices as well..._

_A female voice too?_

_she was breathing raggedly, her breath steaming, ears ringing. Each breath was drunk in a wheeze. No longer orderly as she looked with the maids but a fatigued disarray__ . And then..._

**_Syaoran._**

* * *

Next final chapter will be up soon, I just need to finish it off and then done! I was about to upload it all as a whole but it was too long unfortunately... But review please! Is Syaoran's punishment good so far? Should I be harsher? I have a surprise which I hope all who have followed my previous story 'Betrayal' shall find it a satisfying ending to this story.

And the next chapter also gets much 'darker'.

Here's a preview of the next chapter:

**_Syaoran._**

**_Her hair tumbled messily, each of her fingertips tingled._**

**_Syaoran…_**

**_She could feel blood rush straight to her toes. Syaoran. The parts of her heart she wrenched shut were unweaving. Living lifelessly in half expectation, she was coming alive again. Her steps were weaker with every step she took._**

**_He was walking ahead of her, two guards trailing behind him. All ignorant of her presence._**

**_She stopped in her tracks._**

**_ A blonde walked beside him, her head comfortably rested upon Syaoran's shoulder. He whispered something into her ear which made her laugh, she wrapped her arm tighter around his own._**


	2. Our mistakes and regrets

N

_A separation that couldn't start_

|SxS|

|Author Note| Here is the second part of 'Recollection' as promised, I apologise for any grammatical errors. I haven't had time to check over it, yes that's irresponsible but I know if I don't upload it now I never will, life has become rather hectic for myself.

Songs I encourage you guys to listen to:

**Hymn of the missing : Red**

**Titanic: Ocean of memories**

**Lost in paradise : Evanescence**

**Top Emotional osts of all times: Krone ***

**Breaking your own heart : Kelly Clarkson**

**Ayako Ikeda : Sora no Karera **

**Tenmon : Distant everyday memories * Make sure to remove the spaces**

**( : / / w w w . ? v = Y)**

**(The songs with a '*' are the songs I recommend the most!)**

Anyway, till next time!

|Summary|

It was a separation that couldn't start. A separation that would not be accepted by _him_. (Epilogue of Betrayal)

|Disclaimer|

I do not own any of the characters or the anime. All rights are reserved and belong to CLAMP.

* * *

Part 2: Our mistakes and regrets

**_Syaoran._**

_Her hair tumbled messily, each of her fingertips tingled._

_Syaoran…_

_She could feel blood rush straight to her toes. __Syaoran. __The parts of her heart she wrenched shut were unweaving. Living lifelessly in half expectation, she was coming alive again. Her steps were weaker with every step she took._

_He was walking ahead of her, two guards trailing behind him. All ignorant of her presence._

_She stopped in her tracks._

_A blonde walked beside him, her head comfortably rested upon Syaoran's shoulder. He whispered something into her ear which made her laugh, she wrapped her arm tighter around his own._

_Her chest tightened, her throat became dry and parched._

_"Syaoran?" She whispered hoarsely, tears pricking her eyes. She clutched her fists._

_"SYAORAN!"_

_All heads spun. The guards paled. Syaoran's face darkened. The blonde smirked at Sakura's disarray. He didn't even move from her grasp, he remained rooted._

_Time seemed to of stopped._

_Syaoran shot a venomous look at the guards in obvious disapproval, he cursed under his breath and slipped casually from the blonde's grasps. _

_'Why do I recognise her face? Did I see her at the Gala?'_

_"Gentlemen, I will require your presence in my study tomorrow morning at seven. Please escort Kijimuta san home."_

_The black haired guard gestured to the blonde, she shot one more look at Sakura, her eyes laughed._

_"Kijimuta san" Syaoran warned. Aoi smirked with satisfaction enjoying the power she had over the 'little emerald eyed girl' before her, there was no challenge at all, she flicked her platinum blonde hair over her shoulder and followed the security guards out without another word._

_Tension was heavy in the air. Neither one moved, both eyes enlaced with one another. Amber eyes were motionless, cold, sickeningly composed revealing not a single emotion what so ever. Emerald eyes glimmered with tears, emotions spilled from every corner. Confusion, sadness, lonesomeness, isolation. But most importantly, the question 'why?'. Her body language cried why, her soul burned why._

_It had been two weeks since she saw her husband - two fucking weeks!_

_"It's late, Sakura. You should go and rest now." He proposed in a tone as if he were speaking to a client of his, he slipped a hand into his pocket and took out his blackberry swirling on his heels and started walking in the opposite direction._

_That's it? That's all he's going to say to her after his absence of two weeks? Without an explanation about that-! _

_-that woman!_

_"Who was she? Where have you been? You've been gone for two weeks! I was worried that something terrible happened to you, no one told me anything! How could you leave me like that without saying a word, I needed you! "_

_A silence followed._

_The faint sound of footsteps from down the corridor broke the silence. Sakura thanked kami for this._

_He froze. He stood very still - ominously still - for a moment and some kind of emotion, although one Sakura was not accustomed to-had not yet been accustomed to. When he spoke again it became obvious that a change had come over him. Something had snapped. The self control within him was now well dry._

_When he spoke it wasn't in his normal gentle voice, it wasn't his business voice, it was a voice that sent chills through her. It rocked her inner soul. His tone was a cruel singsong flippant tone. "Hmmmm" he hummed._

_"Ah, yes I wonder. . ?"_

_"S-Syaoran?" Sakura asked, a bit taken back by her husband's tone._

_Sakura still immersed in feelings of loss and abandonment only just managed to grasp that something had happened to Syaoran._

_"Oh," he went on, still in the particular tone, "I'm just saying how right you are. In fact, I'll say it again will I? You need me. A round of applause of the lady!" he declared to the invisible audience starting to clap in an taunting dawdling pace. For some reason the intimidating silence made the small gesture so cruel, Sakura's heart continued to break with every word, every clap he did. What had happened? Events had taken a sudden and unexpected turn. _

_"Syaoran? Of course I need you, I'm your wife. We need each other...you're confusing me, what's wrong? Are you feeling alright?"_

_"What are you implying?" Syaoran replied unpleasantly, tilting his head back slightly._

_"T-The way you're acting...I-I don't like it" she replied apologetically. _

_"The way I'm acting you say," he murmured in a thoughtful, weighty tone and looked around the room as if he was appealing to an invisible audience. "She says I'm being strange."_

_"But you are" she countered. "I just asked you who she-"_

_"I heard what you said," Syaoran interrupted angrily, the singsong flippant tone abruptly gone putting the long forgotten phone back into his business suit's pocket. He took a few strides towards Sakura in a intimidating manner and leant in, over towering her using his height to his advantage. He fixed her with a furious face._

_"You said that you __**need **__me." He made some kind of a narky, tisky sound and threw his eyes heavenward. "What an understatement!"_

_He paused - and stared at Sakura, her eyes were wide and confused, her body shivered every now and then. His hard, angry face glued her to her spot like a deer in the headlights unable to move; he was the dominant one. He'd put her back into her rightful place. Selfish girl she was, selfish, selfish girl. Sakura didn't dare speak, she was enthralled fearing what was to come next from her husband..._

_"I __**know **__you need me," he threw at her. " You have need me all the damn time, for some damn thing or the other. How could I __**not**__ know?"_

_Sakura could only stare at him._

_"You have needed me for __**everything**__." he almost shouted._

_Sakura's breath hitched, he had never shouted at her. Never. Yes, they may of had their previous arguments but this one had a raw tone to it, a more bitter grudge that had been waiting to be released and to lash at the opportunity._

_"You've demanded constant attention," he went on. "And constant reinforcement. And you never give a damn about me and how I feel and what I might need."_

_Sakura couldn't believe what was happening, how did they even trail onto this subject? Why was he blaming her? She rattled her brain for the answer but none could be concluded, was he that desperate to hide the identity of that blonde hair woman? Was that the secret Tomoyo had warned her about that she needed to see? Had Syaoran been paying the staff money to keep silent?_

_A wave of nausea washed over her._

_"Syaoran..."Sakura said faintly._

_'You have not conquered me—it is the surge' Sakura reminded herself._

_He ignored her and continued. "You are impossible. I am exhausted from you. I still don't know why I'm still married to someone like you"_

_'__It is not you I love—it is the form'_

_Anger surged through Sakura, but she bit her tongue. She wouldn't let him get away with that. _

_She was livid._

_"I see. I'm sorry 'dear' husband of mine but I never do recall holding a gun to your head threatening you to stay by my side if you were distraught by our relationship." Sakura hissed, tears burning in her eyes. She felt so small, her pride shattered, she found it barely tolerable to stand there to listen to him any longer._

_"No, Sakura," he said speaking through gritted teeth. "Of course you didn't make me do anything."_

_"Then what are you trying to say to me? Don't you think I deserve an answer for your long absence? For that girl who was linking her arms to you? At least as your wife I deserve an answer don't I?"_

_"I'm just stating that living with you is a bit like living with a demanding child. You always desire to go out. As though the world was a 'heap of daisies' and it isn't, for you that is. You are always laughing and enjoying yourself."_

_'That's not true, you never gave me a chance. Ever. You locked me away! You are ashamed that I am your wife, I feel like a prisoner in this house!' Sakura screamed in her mind._

_"- So I have to be the adult in this relationship. I have to worry about the money and the bills. You are so __**selfish**__."_

_"Syaoran, I didn't know - I'm sorry. I didn't know I acted so immaturely! But everything was fine, I thought everything was alright-"_

_"But it isn't", he cut, "I am so damn tired of being strong."_

_"You should of told me, we could of avoided these secrets between us! Why do you keep avoiding my question Syaoran! Who is that girl? Answer the question! You've been paying the staff to keep quiet haven't you!" she countered._

_"Oh, for God's sake, Sakura," he bursted out angrily, "There you go again. Trying to 'score points'. Can't you just let it be? Can't you, for once, just once, accept blame?' _

_Sakura took this into thought. Was she really the one to blame? Maybe it was her character that caused him to act cold to her, maybe if __**she **__changed he would convert back into her husband and everything would be fine again? It must of been her fault. He loved her right? Why would he change like that if she hadn't done anything? She was wrong. He was right. It was her fault. Her fault. All of her fault._

_"You just make situations difficult." he sighed. "And I have to clean them"_

_"That's not true!" Sakura shouted._

_"Well, that's how it feels," he said unkindly. "You just don't want to divulge that it's factual. Let me deduce, you've even acknowledged that it was your slip-up in your mind and yet you ignorantly can't say it. Typical. I always am the one to deal with it."_

_Sakura bowed her head shamefully unable to meet his fierce gaze, her fringe veiled her face._

_"And you know, Sakura," he continued solemnly. " You just don't magically wake up one morning and know how to be an adult. It takes time to become a responsible person."_

_"I am responsible...you just never gave me a chance, you don't know yet" she hovered her hand over her abdomen, where a small bump was beginning to grow. But Syaoran didn't notice this as well. In fact, this would have been his last chance to see that swollen bump as the next day - unknown to Sakura of course, he would disappear for an elongated absence of four weeks which in that absence Sakura would lose the child._

_"You lock me away. Away from the light, away from my family, away from reality."_

_"Then tell me, why was it that I at the end of the day had to take care of matters, hm?"_

_" Because you lock me away! I did offer you help, but you just kept pushing me away! You said-"_

_"And you just accepted that?" he said nastily, shaking his head slightly as if he couldn't believe how crass and dull she'd been._

_Sakura nodded, feeling incredibly foolish with herself._

_He was right. She had let him worry about the pressure of the business world; holding the high demanding expectations that were required of a successful CEO. How wrong she had been._

_"I'm sorry" Sakura whispered feebly, just enough for Syaoran to hear. Luckily it was quiet, and no doubt behind the corner a whole group of maids were eavesdropping on their fight, itching to tell the rest the new, fresh gossip to the other staff._

_"Well," said Syaoran, sounding a bit warmer. "I suppose it wasn't really your fault. You were always a bit thoughtless."_

_She nodded again._

_"If only you hadn't been thoughtless when it really mattered," he mused. "Because the problems in our marriage aren't just about you not pulling your weight. It is about the way you make me feel, Sakura."_

_'Why is he talking as if our marriage had ended long ago?'_

_"What do you mean?" Sakura secretly braced herself for another round of accusations. Accusations that she didn't want to hear, she was on the bridge of covering hear ears not wanting to hear his accusations any longer._

_"Let's stop. This subject is tiresome."_

_"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked," she apologized humbly feeling so small._

_She felt sick, sorry._

_Sad for both of them._

_Sad for Syaoran who had to carry so much worry and burden on his own, sad for herself for being misunderstood. Or was it being sad for being so misunderstanding? Syaoran was the innocent victim, she was the bully, it was decided._

_"You must of thought I'd have shattered into pieces during your absence huh?" she joked lightly, her voice quivering. Sakura bit her lip._

_"Yes, I suppose I did," he admitted, "Well, you can hardly blame me, can you?" he spoke with a lowered, softer tone. Finally, his eyes softened._

_"N-No I suppose not"_

_Tears began to stream down her face in frustration, she collapsed onto her knees in exhaustion from the heated argument and began murmuring apologies 'I'm sorry, I'm so,__** so**__ sorry', under her breath; her cries muffled into her hand. Syaoran crouched down on front of her and pulled her hands away from her face; giving her a soft smile. He tenderly cupped her face._

_"Come now, let's put this behind us shall we? Don't cry, Sakura" he whispered softly, brushing her tears away with his thumb as she gave a feeble nod. He brought his arms around her petite figure and pulled her close, feeling a wet patch grow on his chest where he assumed she was crying, Syaoran whispered comforting words into her ear as she cried her heart out. He rubbed her back in a comforting circular motion._

_However..._

_a sinister, satisfied smirk grew on his face._

_'Checkmate.'_

_He had put her back even further into the cage; this time she would stay._

_'But who was that girl?'_

"ENOUGH!" Syaoran roared, shattering the memory before him. He didn't want to watch it any longer.

_'The truth had set me free.'_

His bawl reverberated in the unfilled, comatose space portraying the master of the house. Only his heavy, unsteady breathing and the echo of his voice bouncing off the walls could be heard. Syaoran's body began to shake, perspiration pearled on his skin; his eyes swollen ached.

"Why do you torture me so?"

_'Because I did this to her'_

He flinched.

_'I deserve to be punished, I deserve worse.'_

Did his conscious really just say that to him? Did he really want to punish himself? A part of him agreed but the other part screamed in retaliation. Is he crazy? Why would he want to punish himself for something that occurred in the past?

_'__How dare you betray me__...h__ow dare you __hurt __me in such a way__! H__ow dare you do such a terrible thing to me__! __S__cattering me into pieces__ a__nd I trusted you! I believed in you!__Then you broke my trust, my faith__, __my heart__, __my Soul__, __my dreams__, __my beliefs; my hope...but never again …__w__ill I open my heart and faith __b__ecause you proved …I was right__. __You're not real.__  
__And even if you are, I Hate you.__And I always will.__Forevermore my hatred will be never ending,__I chose my own destiny now. For you who can even dare to do this!__ Y__ou're tearing my heart in two.__Making me torn inside.__Between you and everyone else I care about__  
__I Have Been Betrayed...'_

He smacked his face lightly in attempt to 'wake himself up', he shook his head and exhaled heavily.

DING DONG... DING DONG...

Like a spider, his eyes crawled to where the sound resonated from. It was the grandfather's clock. It was seven in the morning, the day staff would be arriving soon. A groan suppressed past his lips as he started to make his way up to the stairs and unlocked the door to 'their' bedroom, her valuables and possessions were all still intact; not one thing had been moved- or more like he would not let them be moved. Everything was exactly the way it was except the carpet. The carpet that been stained by her blood.

||SxS||_  
_

_Syaoran thrusted his weight against the door, over and over again. After a few more thrusts against the door the door's hinges gave way. His arm felt as if it were on fire, he grimaced. That would Definitely lead a bruise in the morning._

_Time was running out. Time was running out fast._

_He heaved the door out of the way, dissertational amber eyes scanned the room; his whole body shook at the enfolding situation. Was it fear? Fear of losing her? Did he always think that there were no risks at all?_

_"Sakura!" he screamed not caring any longer if he looked weak._

_Sakura._

_There, she stood. In the centre of the room. A gun held to her head._

_Syaoran began to shake his head, his mouth opening and closing but nothing. He wanted to run! To shout! But his body just wouldn't do it, it held him back. Something, held him back. His will and mind began to struggle against this force as he watched Sakura cock the hammer, he continued to struggle against the strong force feeling it's grasps beginning to slip. There was still hope! He could still make it!_

_**She's slipping Li Syaoran...slipping faster..faster and faster**_

_A lump grew in his throat, a sickening feeling arose in his gut; his heart screamed out to hers but there was no answer, for she had closed herself in a black void where she wished to stay. Away from her worries, away from him. Why would she turn back? She was so close! So close to freedom! It was within her grasps, freedom sat on her hands; all she had to do was grasp it and take it!_

_Sakura turned her head to face Syaoran, her face was sickly pale; her pain stricken face mocked him. It continued to kill him. It began to hack away at him, bit by bit._

_His mind was lost, it was swallowed by the deepest depths of darkness; he had lost it to madness that night. The force's grasp slipped. Syaoran lunged forward towards Sakura._

_"Sakura!"_

_'I hate you'_

_His body froze._

_She wouldn't allow him to deceive herself any longer. No more._

_She pulled the gun._

_Her body jerked back violently from the recoil of the gun._

_Ambers eyes widened._

_Emerald eyes were still, pain stricken; wide in fright._

_"SAKURA!"_

_A image flashed in his mind of Sakura sitting alone in the dark, her irises swallowed in a black void._

_Blood had splattered on the walls behind her, the gun slipped from her weakened grasp and fell to the floor with a clatter; Sakura wavered on the spot and began to tumble forwards. Eyes wavered, blood continued to paint the carpet in a blood red. She had been distracted by his useless pleas and cries; resulting a mishap when she shot herself. Instead of a fatal shot from the side of her head which would of killed in her instantly...she missed the fatal point..._

_The bullet had missed her brain stem, and so...she suffered a painful death. _

_'Why...'_

_Even 'he' couldn't let her go peacefully, all he did to her was give her more pain. He was so selfish!_

_'Why is it that you can hurt me so badly yet you remain unbroken?'_

_As Sakura began to fall forward Syaoran lunged forwards catching her, falling onto his knees bringing his wife down with him. Her body shook violently in his arms from the vast loss of blood, Sakura whimpered under her breath; her breaths coming out short and ragged._

_Syaoran's body even began to shudder along with hers, there, in his arms was his wife bleeding to death._

_Her blood soaked and stained his business clothes, he desperately cupped the side of her head applying pressure to it in attempt to clot the blood, he drew his hand away to see it was completely covered with a red liquid. This thing lying in his arms covered in blood wasn't his wife, his wife was not this...this red thing!_

_His eyes widened, and shook. Blood trickled down his arm in streams. Panic swarmed over him. Sakura began to exhale with heavy short breaths, her eyes barely open. She struggled to breath._

_'Keep your eyes open! Keep your eyes open!' _

_Syaoran continued to helplessly watch her bleed, he brushed a finger over her growing pale face and drew it back as if his hand had been burnt. It was cold! So cold!_

_There was blood. Too much blood._

_He crushed her small, battered body against his and cradled it. Rocking back and forth, caressing her hair; stroking it. His eyes closed tight. Syaoran whispered soothing words into her ear, cooing her gently as if she were a scared little child and he the father trying to calm her down._

_He listened to the beats of her heart as they began to slow down at an alarming rate, only urging Syaoran to hold her tighter, hoping, praying that a miracle would somehow happen! A miracle that could turn back time!_

_Her lips were now blue and cold. _

_With a unsteady, shaking hand he brought his index finger and brushed her lower lip, Sakura's lip quivered under his touch. Why? She was revolted by his touch, she tried to shift her body away from him but no use; in her last few moments she still was trapped and had to cope with his unctuous touch. With the little energy she had left she urged her body to shift away from his sickening touch but no use. He felt his body burn, his soul soaring and killed at the same time. _

_'Don't you fucking dare' he begged, 'I know what you're trying to do. Don't you fucking dare do it, don't you dare fucking leave me!'_

_Her eyes wavered from closed to open, the already weakened light in her eyes fading at an alarming rate. _

_The sound of her blood drummed loudly in her ears. _

_Her eyes closed, and her body refrained from shaking and limped._

_Hot tears trickled down his tired face._

_He pounded a fist into the carpet._

_He screamed her name._

||SxS||

(A/N:**Perfect moment to listen to distant memories by Tenmon!**

**Make sure to remove the spaces ( : / / w w w . ? v = Y)**  


Syaoran leaned his head back and drew in a slow breath of the cool, night air remembering her cold body against his...

He had cried and howled her name throughout the lonesome night, the moonlight shone through the French windows that led to the balcony; Sakura's pale skin gleamed in the nocturnal light. So pure. So young. The pain and suffering had vanished completely from her face. She looked like the young, beautiful woman he had fallen in love with.

"Sakura..."

He brushed his knuckles against her pale cheek in a delicate manner, in fear of shattering her feeble complexion.

It didn't even look like she was dead to him, she just looked like she was asleep. Asleep in a peaceful dream of hers that only she would know and no one else. He had pressed his damp cheek against her cold one feeling a tickly sensation of her eyelashes brushing against his skin, wrapping an arm around her body he brought her limp body closer to his; wrapping his arms around her gently, afraid that one harsh movement would cause her body to shatter.

"Sakura...Sakura..." his voice croaked.

Syaoran had remained cradling Sakura's cold, dead body not moving from that spot till a maid from the morning shift had entered the room to change the bed sheets as she always had done every morning as part of her duty.

_'I belong to you Sakura, you and only you'_

But what she did not expect was to find the mistress of the house drenched in her own blood, dead in her master's arms. Her mistress's blood was dry and crusted in Syaoran's hair; he rocked back and forth in a paranoid manner chanting 'Sakura' under his breath.

Of course, the maid released a horrific scream alerting the other members of the house that something had occurred over the night. Syaoran remembered clearly the shattering scream from the nurse, the soft 'thump' of the long forgotten bed sheets being dropped onto the floor. She backed up and bumped against the dresser causing the priceless vase to tip and shatter into pieces among the floor, Syaoran never did turn around to see her face. He didn't dare to. He just watched her shadow from the corner of his eyes. He blindly listened to the quiver in the maid's voice whispering 'Oh god' over and over as she hyperventilated. A bone chilling scream followed that would raise all of the hairs on ones back. The maid continued to blabber slurred frantic cries as she ran for help down the corridor screaming at the top of her voice.

"Help! Someone! Help! The mistress has been murdered-Sakura sama-! Sakura sama has been murdered! Help! Call the police! Sakura sama has been murdered!"

An uproar from the staff downstairs followed without further ado after the maid's outbreak, a vast number of hurried footsteps were heard rushing up the majestic staircase to where the maid was a few moments ago, the maid leading the way towards _their_ bedroom, explaining what she saw with a panicked and perplexed tone, her voice raising an octave with each step she took with the soft murmurs of the security guards and other members of staff trying to calm her down.

Their voices got louder.

Footsteps came to a halt.

Gasps of horror erupted.

Wails and cries were unleashed.

Security guard's radios went wild.

"Call the paramedics!"

"Call the police!"

"Someone! Check Li sama! Li sama must not be hurt at all costs!"

"Check the mistress! Does she breathe? Someone! Someone-anyone! For god's sake check her pulse!"

Security continued to bark commands at one another in a distressed, hysterical tone, trying to keep everything under bay but were ironically finding it hard to keep calm themselves! A guard swallowed and hurriedly approached the silent, still rocking man that held his death wife in his bloodied arms. The blood spilled in the room could only suggest a massacre. His golden eyes were vacant, much like how he felt at that point in time.

Slowly, not too sure on his master's present frame of mind he bent down beside him at a respectful distance, unfortunately his mistress's face was protectively tucked away from the sight of the guard. Her frail head rested against her husband's chest, strands of hair stuck to one another as of the dried blood.

"L-Li sama? Does she breathe? Is the mistress still alive?" the guard wearily asked; doubt heavily evident in his voice, his eyes widening at the initial point where the blood had spilled from. He noticed his master's arms tighten unconsciously around his wife, shielding her in a protective manner, bringing her closer to his own body. But no answer came from their superior. Syaoran just continued to cradle Sakura's limp body closer, still bent on his knees rocking her back and forth as the security guard neared. He leaned over slightly. His face paled.

The guard sent a look to his comrades who stood near the door who watched silently not uttering a word.

"Li sama, the paramedics will arrive any moment now; they'll escort the mistress-"

"They shall not."

Heads jerked at the sound of Syaoran's hoarse voice.

Was this Li Syaoran? Their master? Their superior?

Was this the very same man that they had feared? The man that would fire an employee with his short fuse of a temper? The man that had brought countless women back to his residence and slept with, while the employees did their best to fill the mistress's head with fruitful lies? The very same man that the business world feared with his wealth and power?

All were rooted in place in disorientation, in all their years of working at the Li manor had they ever heard _the _Li Syaoran sound _so_ weak._ So_ immobilized. _So_ pathetic.

"But...Sakura sama is..."

"No" interjected Syaoran in a matter-of-factly voice, "She...Sakura, shall not leave my arms, is that understood? She shall not leave my _fucking_ damn arms!"

Syaoran raised his face momentarily to meet the guard's stare to challenge him, a streak of blood smudged on his right cheek. The longer he stared at him, the more feral his expression became, he could feel the change occurring in himself. His eyes glowed a golden hue; he grew more statuesque. Syaoran saw his cold stare reflected in his grey orbs.

||SxS||

Sirens from the emergency services thundered outside the manor house; red and blue lights flashed outside the french windows. Maids and staff ran outside to lead the way.

"Li sama the medics have arrived", spoke one of the security men gently still rooted beside Syaoran, Syaoran merely nodded.

"Through here,"

Paramedics flooded into the room, a woman bent before Syaoran and spoke to him in a hushed gentle tone like to a child yet all he heard were muffled voices and the vehicle's siren scream. He felt Sakura being lifted from his arms, drawing his attention back he lifted his face to meet the paramedic's solemn face, "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to let go of your wife,"

Syaoran still not understanding slowly shook his face, his face blank, eyes narrowed slightly in confusion.

_Why? Why do you want me to let her go? She won't come back to me if I let go..._

"Sir" the paramedic warned more firmly.

He shook his head resolutely.

"Sir, you're wife needs critical attention."

Immediately Sakura was ripped from his loose grasps being distracted. His eyes widened alarmed. Before Syaoran could act a heavy force compressed and held him down, forcing him onto the ground. He screamed and cussed.

Syaoran thrashed violently against the vice grip that chained him down, a firm hand from the back of his hand forced his face against the cold ground. Tears burned in his frustrated eyes as he watched an individual from the medical team lift her limp body into their arms and rush out of the room...

"Sir, my name is Sergeant Takuma, you will now be escorted to the police station by I and my colleague where you will be questioned."

A cold, foreign hand took a hold of his bloody hands behind his back, he felt a cool metal encircle his wrists with a firm 'click'.

" Li Syaoran, you are under arrest on the provisions of being a prime suspect of the murder of Li Sakura. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Do you understand?"

||SxS||

With the absence of Sakura in his life, Syaoran turned towards alcohol to drown out his worries and nightmares. He would go on for days without resting, he would go out to the pubs by himself and not bothering to change his clothes that he had worn for a week, not bothering to shave, not bothering to tell anyone where or how long he would be gone for. The staff and security had given all hope on retrieving their former master. Who in their right mind would want that cold fiend to return from the dead after all?

Li Syaoran perched lazily on a revolving bar stool and drank his fourth pint of beer in that night, his vision unfocused, speech slurred. The air was chocked with the smell of cigarette, drug and sex.

'Another one' he mouthed at the bar man who couldn't give a damn about his customer's well being. The sound of a woman's laughter caught his attention. Turning his head towards the sound he squinted his eyes from the harsh light from the dance floor, a drunk woman giggled in the arms of a drunken man, the two groping each other in their drunken state.

A pounding ache bit the back of Syaoran's head. Winching at the irritating pain he rubbed the sore spot slipping off his bar stool blindly ignoring the cursing bar man that had just returned with his drink. Syaoran stumbled heavily drunk through the crowd of sweaty youths that grinded against one another on the dance floor, flashes of green, yellow, neon pinks and blue dominating his view.

A skimpy arm curled it's way around his arm tugging him roughly, in a daze he saw a blur skinny figure, blonde...blonde hair...and a black...black short dress? Syaoran gave up deifying the blurred figure that purred for his reply with the pounding ache in his head that seemed to get worse, the music around him all but a loud hum.

"...ome...on...aby...I...an..give you a...good...time!" her voice squealed over the booming, dominant music, Syaoran with a unbalanced gaze stared at her confused only receiving what it seemed to him a broken sentence.

"Piss off" Syaoran snarled ripping his arm from her snake like grip.

Blurred figures moved around him like ghosts, voices veiled by the deafening music blasting from the huge stereos, once out of the building the cold gust of the night's winter air flooded his lungs like water. His breaths coming out as smoky clouds that dissolved into the hoarfrost air.

"Look where the hell you're going, buddy!" a man growled as Syaoran bumped into him, Syaoran merely murmured a grunt as he continued to make his way. An elderly, drunken man stumbled out past one of the pub doors he was passing by and toppled over onto the back alley in front of him. The pub's doors swung back and forth on their hinges and the music of a jaunty violin and raucous laughter from inside spilled out into the cold air. He reeked of ale and sweat and the front of his clothes were stained with it too. The drunk man, completely out of his mind, carried on with the song inside at the top of his lungs; a wide, drunk grin grew on his face. The cold bit at Syaoran's skin with inner delight savoring the taste of his warm, hot skin from the alcohol.

The dark blankets of the morning shrouded the streets and it's dark proceedings, the moon full and opaque in the clear night sky, casting the streets in a pasty glow. The air was crisp with the faint smell of the waters carried on the chilly breeze. His black shoes tapped along the wet pavement ground as his eyes toured the dingy alleys. He stumbled, slipped and skidded on the pavement covered by a blanket of ice, lights wrapped around buildings twinkled and winked. With great struggle Syaoran staggered down the ice painted lane in a body he felt that was not his own, the voices in his head continued to follow him.

_'Tsk, tsk, tsk. What a waste of life you are, giving up so soon Li Syaoran? Are the curtains closing so soon already?'_

"fuck off..." Syaoran droned in a drunk slurred voice.

_'Fool. How can I go if I am you? What are you searching for? Why do you live? No family no friends, so what is it? Tell me great Li Syaoran'_

The cold wind licked it's lips in delight.

The cold February wind crawled up his leg, and rattled his knees. He took a step forward, in which he misplaced it left and found himself staggering to keep himself upright, quaking unable to support his legs, he collapsed onto his knees and slanted his body against a brick wall. The faint sound of the blasting music from the nightclub faintly lingered in the air. In a hunched position blurred shadows walking on the pavement walked by disregarding absently the drunken, broken man in a heap on the street. The street was completely deserted, a lonely sight indeed with only the street lights lighting parts of the avenue. He clutched his stomach, coughing. He could feel the alcohol subsiding and the pain kicking in as his eyes watered.

His eyes grew heavy.

As broken, lifeless eyes fixed on the pavement he noticed dark spots begin to appear. His brow furrowed.

Snow.

Snowflakes cascading from the heavens above fluttered towards the ground, melting into a transparent liquid as the innocent flakes touched the sinful earth. The snow fell silently. They glided through the air, floated like a flame.

The snow came in the night; turning the whole street white, a cold wintry site. He felt the wet snow land on his cold skin creating a burning sensation. The flakes looked so pure, so innocent to him...the most beautiful creation of nature. No words could describe this sensation, the delicacy of one tiny flake, that would eventually fall and break. He drew his hand away from his body and reached out to catch a single snowflake, with curious eyes like a child he watched the flake twirl, dance and spin till it settled upon his hand, he clutched his fist and waited. After a second or two he opened his fist of a clam to see the pearl...the flake had melted into water...

His hands, his clasp and grip has destroyed the innocent, delicate flake...his decisions had to withered _his_ own flake away, _his_ wife, _his _Sakura.

In the serene silence he reflected on his life-his memories. The thoughts of his so called loved ones were drowned out by the influence of the intoxication from the alcohol.

|SxS|

He recalled walking late in through a park seeing a mother and a small child in a plump winter's coat waddle beside her, hand in hand. The child's cheek was plump, powdered with red. The child puffed heavy, staccato breaths short of breath as the child tried to keep up with the mother. The child's curious eyes met his suddenly which jolted him. New born eyes that looked through him, constantly analysing and learning every second. The child gave released a bubbly giggle and gave Syaoran a large smile.

What would his child of looked like? Would it of had his hair? Would it of have his wife's eyes? Her soft features or thin lips?

A wave of mortification washed over him as the child and the mother walked passed him, he halted in his footsteps, time slowed around him. His grip on his suitcase loosening, eyes aghast and fixated on the path. The sudden urge to meet this little person he had never got the chance to be acquainted with blossomed inside of him. He pondered on what the feeling...the feeling of holding your new born child in your arms would feel like. To watch them grow, and lose teeth and hold them as they cried from falling over. To...

_'It's dead you fool. Dead and gone. Stop dreaming about such irrational things.'_

Someone...shut the voices from my mind, kill them quickly or I might die from this punishment...

_'What are you talking about? You are already dead inside.'_

|SxS|

_Is life supposed to be full of pain? It's been a year and it's all I have felt, breathed and lived. Was I supposed to want to die every day?_

"You..." he leaned his head even more back focusing his eyes on the heavy grey sky that predominantly hung above him, a muffled cry escaped him, a single tear ran from his right eye.

_I'm feel tired..._

He smiled a sad smile, "You must _really_ hate me...don't you, Sakura" he spoke into the Winter wind in a hoarse whisper. Syaoran began to breath heavier forcing more mist to escape his mouth, his face and hands swollen with a blotchy red, no longer able feel his body.

_Ah, yes. This is how I should feel. Cold with no feeling what so ever._

A bitter pleasure intruded his quiet thoughts.

_I feel...so __**so**__ tired..._

Tired from the lack of sleep and the intensity of the alcohol consume his body the need to rest his eyes for long time came to surface. He attempted to open his eyes not bending down to this paranormal power but his body pressed that small voice down and urged him to sleep, to sleep and to dream. Syaoran's mind retaliated violently.

Where are you now?

**Her body jolted when he started violently pounding his fists against the door constantly, Sakura felt as if she was drowning. The room was suffocating her…she needed to be **_**free.**_

_'Stay awake! Stay awake!'_

_Are you lost?_

_**"Sakura!"**_

His conscience smirked darkly, _' Let him be, it has been decided. This weakness disgusts me to witness continuously.'_

_Will I find you again?_

**Blank green eyes looked back at him.**

Syaoran felt his body shake and shiver viciously, his skin veiled with sweat yet he remained unfazed. It was an odd feeling. He could feel it and at the same couldn't, as it he himself has sunk deep inside his body and that his body was now just an empty shell

_Are you alone?_

**It was like every other lonesome night; she would wait in the empty study room for her husband to come home late as expected.**

He had sunk far too deep. Too deep to return.

_Are you afraid?_

**Everything seemed to go **_**so **_**slow for Syaoran, his eyes only concentrated on her tear stained face. Her hand shakily cocked the hammer a strangled whimper escaped her.**

He felt his body become suddenly light and grow cold as his eyes closed firmly and limped against the cold, brick wall heavily.

_Are you searching for me?_

**"I said open the fucking door dammit!" He roared, his voice rising in desperation continuously hammering the door aggressively. But still his pleas went ignored…**

Syaoran continued to sink further into the peaceful deepness that wrapped him in soft wings, his mind no longer spat and flailed but remained calmed. The darkness continued to lull him softly pulling him further away from the surface. The light and his life has extinguished, taken away without a warning or sign. He was left abandoned, left in the darkness trying to survive, to survive in a world so new, so different to him.

_Why did you go? I had to stay!_

_**'Don't you fucking leave me! Don't you fucking dare!'**_

He stands in the darkness in his mind. He stand precariously on a piece of solid ground barely large enough for his feet, around him, a vast expanse of desolation and broken shards of memories for as far as he can tell.

_Now I'm reaching for you!_

**He screamed her name, lunging forwards he reached towards her...**

It waits...

_Will you wait? Will you wait?_

**BANG BANG BANG**

**'Open the door, Sakura!'**

_Will you wait for me, Sakura?_

With extending arms it engulfs Syaoran in a permanent shadow, an invisible wind wisps through his brown hair, his eyes closed; his head limped against the shadow weakly. A breath leaving his lips.

_Will I see you again?_

_tick, tock, tick, tock_

A hole inside his chest burnt through his empty heart.

tick...tock...tick...tock...

He sank deeper.

tick...tock...tick

He wanted to rest.

tick...tock...

On the street, on a cold February evening, a hunched figure remained unmoved. Snow fell from the heavens above and covered the hunched figure in a blanket of white.

tick...

The grandfather's clock in the abandoned Li mansion chimed.

||SxS||

**Kinomoto Sakura committed suicide on 1st April 2012**

**Li Syaoran died of alcohol poisoning on 13th February 2013. Body found frozen on the street, slanted against wall.**

||SxS||

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